The Kiss

Have you ever had one of those moments when a kiss literally takes your breath away? The kind of kiss that you think is only possible in movies and fairytales. Knees go weak, fast and shallow breathing, heart starts pounding so hard in your chest you think it might burst out and punch the guy you're kissing. Everything is hazy, blurry, and you have to hold on to something to make sure you keep standing on your own feet. If you've never felt a kiss like this...I feel awful for you. But I also feel hopeful for you because you have something wonderful to look forward to.

Some stories do not have a beginning, a middle, and an end. With Steven, there was a beginning and an end. We hit it off right away, our chemistry was undeniable. We are both cynical, sarcastic, and downright pessimistic at times. I was a ray of sunshine compared to him, he was such a critic. He is an actor, so I'm sure it's all those years of being rejected over and over again. Ha! Must be.

Our first kiss was in his car. We had become friends and had just got back from a night out, he parked the car. As if cupid himself cued the music, Dashboard Confessional came on. For anyone who is not familiar, it's every high school couples go to make out cd. It is melodic, dramatic, "emo", need I say more?

I laugh a little because I think it's so ironic. I look at him; he looks at me, and then the KISS. I wish I could explain it better than just saying it was fireworks. But it is so hard. It is a light kiss at first, almost like we are scared that one of us is going to back away. Then, we sink into it and all I hear is the faint music in the background, I can feel the vibrations of his car, and I can feel his breathing slow and steady on my face. Best way to explain it is to say that we were in sync. For one very clear moment, everything just pieced together just like a puzzle. I don't remember who broke the kiss, but I recall both of us just staring at each other silently for a second.

Me: Did you feel that?
Steven: Wow.
Me: Ok, I'm gonna go. Because that was...wow.

I got out of the car and went up to my apartment without another word. Some details for you guys, he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship and she was still living in their apartment because she hadn't found a place. We didn't want to start anything until she was all moved out, so I waited. Then it became apparent that she was going to take her time and he was not in any rush either, so I told him that this could drag on forever so I was not going to wait. We remained close friends and then I met someone.

It got kind of serious; I met the bf's family and attended his sister's wedding in Europe. We were together all the time, so I started seeing Steven less and less. Steven would text me saying I was "settling", that I didn't really love him, and he knew that there was no way I felt what I had felt in the car with him that night with my boyfriend, I was a "sell out", blah, blah, blah. He was having a hard time seeing me with him. After awhile, we stopped talking because every time we did, we would argue.

The truth was I did want him at one point. But I was happy and a big part of me knew that even if I did leave my boyfriend for him, it wouldn't be worth it because he couldn't give me what I wanted. Steven had made it clear to me that he didn't believe in love and relationships after his previous one had failed so miserably. He couldn't give me a good enough reason to leave. So I didn't.

You can forget a lot of things when it comes to relationships and fleeting romance. I forget anniversaries, when we met, what he said, what I said. But you never forget a kiss that made it hard to breathe. That is something that stays with you forever.